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The soundtrack to Roberto Luongo’s misery

Jun 9, 2011, 9:00 AM EDT

Roberto Luongo, Christian Ehrhoff AP

Things haven’t been great for Roberto Luongo since the Stanley Cup finals shifted from Vancouver to Boston.

He seems to start off well enough (allowing just one goal in the two first periods), but the wheels really fall off when the second period arrives. Luongo allowed four goals on 14 shots in the second period of Game 3 and two on 12 shots in Game 4. He allowed four more in an embarrassing Game 3 third and one in Game 4 before mercifully being pulled after Rich Peverley scored his second goal of the game.

With a stunning 12 goals allowed in just five periods of play, I couldn’t help but wonder: is the Boston Bruins’ goal song “Kernkraft 400″ by Zombie Nation becoming almost as painful for Luongo to hear as “Chelsea Dagger” by The Fratelli’s? That thought process produced a little idea: if you were to put together a mix tape of the goal songs that probably annoy Luongo the most, which songs would make it?

How the songs were determined: Aside from the obvious choices of Boston and Chicago, I took a look at teams Luongo struggled against the most during road games during the last three regular seasons. This list includes the most recent goal songs we know of, but feel free to correct these choices in the comments. Last note: let’s imagine the mix being an “EP” length record rather than an “LP” or double-album.

The soundtrack to Roberto Luongo’s misery

1. “Kernkraft 400″ by Zombie Nation (Boston Bruins’ goal song)

Comments about the song: This song earns the rare distinction in which the band name and song title are virtually interchangeable. You may know this song from the movie “Shaun of the Dead” as well.

How the Bruins made the mix: Again, 12 goals in 5 periods on the hockey world’s biggest stage probably imprints the “Oh” chant in Luongo’s skull. He didn’t have much success in Boston in his rare regular season appearances, either.

2. “Bro Hymn” by Pennywise (Anaheim Ducks’ goal song)

Comments: Skip to the 1:30 or so mark of the song to find out why this makes sense as a goal celebration song.  It feels like this song is featured on every skateboarding video game soundtrack ever, doesn’t it?

How the Ducks made the mix: Luongo allowed four goals in one game against Anaheim in 2010-11 and 10 in two games in 08-09. (He didn’t play a road game against the Ducks in 09-10.)

3. “Crowd chant” by Joe Satriani (Minnesota Wild goal song)

Comments: Do you ever wonder how many “jock jams” were conscious attempts to keep making licensing money and which ones came together by blind luck? This song was probably a member of the former group, but let’s be fair: it worked. Satriani makes the bold move of throwing “Whoa’s” in a landscape rife with “Oh’s” and “Yeah’s.”

How the Wild made the mix:  He allowed six goals in one game in Minnesota game this season and 10 in two last season. Only his 08-09 appearance wasn’t so Whoa-full (he only allowed one goal).

4. “Shot down in flames” by AC/DC (Calgary Flames’ goal song)

Comments: This one earns two “finally” ranks: 1) Finally, an AC/DC song and 2) Finally, a shameless pun about the team name.

How the Flames made the mix: Like the Wild, the Flames received more opportunities to face Luongo since they’re in the same division but regularly gave them issues. Luongo allowed five goals in two Calgary games in 10-11, 10 in three in 09-10 and seven in two in 08-09.

5. “I love LA” by Randy Newman (Los Angeles Kings’ goal song)

Comments: Only the most area-specific theme could get Randy Newman playing in the mall metal world of NHL arenas. It’s kind of admirable, really.

How the Kings made the mix: His overall numbers against LA aren’t too awful (16 goals in four games over three seasons), but allowing eight in one game in 09-10 pushes them over the top.

6. “Chelsea Dagger” by The Fratelli’s (Chicago Blackhawks’ goal song)

Comments: I marvel at any non-Blackhawks fan who enjoys this song at this point, but to each his (or her) own.

How the Blackhawks made the mix: You know this already.

  1. polegojim - Jun 9, 2011 at 10:23 AM

    Luongo is now a serious threat to create his own negative Swan Song – by Bullet

    “Four Words to Choke Upon” – (Roberto Luongo Crashes Again)
    Betrayed one more time
    But somewhere down that line
    You’re gonna get what’s coming to you
    Look at me now
    Look at me now
    Look at me now

    Wait…don’t look at me please.

  2. govtminion - Jun 9, 2011 at 10:32 AM

    I’m a Bruins fan and Avalanche fan. So I’ve got plenty of dislike for the Canucks going these days.

    So you’d think I’d like “Chelsea Dagger” since it means Luongo biffed it again against the Hawks.

    But honestly? I’d rather be kicked in the nuts repeatedly than listen to that song again. It’s almost physically painful to listen to that crap.

    Props to the Ducks for using Pennywise, though- not one of my favorite songs of theirs, but at least it’s good punk.

    • hystoracle - Jun 9, 2011 at 2:49 PM

      Bruins and Avalanche fan?? How can you be a fan of 2 teams? Fans – especially in hockey – are ravenous about their team. My team is awesome every one else’s stinks mentality. The deciding factor – if Boston played Colorado in cup final who would you root for?

      • govtminion - Jun 9, 2011 at 4:19 PM

        To explain, I was raised by a New England family living in Colorado (military deployment, long story). So I was a B’s fan from a young age, and when the Avs moved to town I was pleased to join a team at the ground floor as well. So I maintain a love of an East and West team, who face each other once or twice a year- when they do, nothing against the Avs, but… they’ve got two Cups in their time in Denver, so my loyalty to the Bruins takes precedent over the Avs in those cases. In a Finals between the two, I’d go Boston as well- and want a fierce, memorable seven-game series between the two.

        …not that Colorado is looking too likely to come back to the Finals anytime real soon ;)

      • polegojim - Jun 9, 2011 at 6:01 PM

        @hystoracle – I can do you one better.

        I’m a Red Wings fan first, Avs fan second. That should mess you up good!

        Make no mistake though – when Detroit plays the Avs, it’s all RED WINGS baby.

  3. stakex - Jun 9, 2011 at 12:08 PM

    Luongo is and has alwasy been a world class choke. Great stats during the regular season, and performs poorly in the playoffs. Without him the Canucks probably would have won the cup at some point over the last few years with the tallent they have.

    In the event they win it this year it will be in spite of Luongo, and not because of him.

    • hystoracle - Jun 9, 2011 at 2:57 PM

      Why would you leave him out there for eight against in the previous game?

      In Luongo’s defense, the guys in front of him weren’t helping out the situation much. Turning the puck over to a guy all by himself right in front of your own net, letting a guy go all alone right up the middle into your own zone, just horrid defensive lapses. Do they need Luongo to make a big save once or twice. Yes, but there is a limit to how much any goalie can do on his own.
      And it’s not like the Canucks lit up the scoreboard at the other end – 1 goal in 2 games. Yikes!! They had 38 shots last night but a lot were from bad angles and the outside. Boston is having an easy time of keeping Vancouver away from the dangerous areas. I don’t see this changing any time soon with the ho-hum attitude they displayed after the game.
      If not for a last second goal in game 1 and a bad play in ot of game 2 – Boston would already be celebrating victory. I see game 6 being a Bruin coronation with Tim Thomas getting the Conn Smythe.

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