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Ovechkin could learn from 'Rocky IV'

Mar 24, 2010, 5:30 PM EDT

When I heard about the Washington Capitals’ most recent headaches revolving around steroid investigations at the team’s training facility, I didn’t immediately assume that some of their players were up to no good. Instead, I couldn’t help but whimsically compare Alex Ovechkin to Dolph Lundgren’s Ivan Drago from “Rocky IV.”* This was the first image that popped into my head.

Now, there’s no reason to believe Ovechkin (or any Caps player) is guilty of foul play. Let me say that again: I am not accusing anyone of using steroids. That’s actually not what I’m interested in discussing.

Really, this is the main idea: Alex Ovechkin should embrace his inner Drago and accept this opportunity to morph into an ultra-menacing hockey villain. It’s the role many are trying to place him in anyway, so why fight to maintain a squeaky-clean image (like Tiger Woods) when he could instead shrug his shoulders and say “this is who I am, deal with it” (and be forgiven perpetually like lovable lugs like Charles Barkley and Robert Downey Jr.)? 

Just follow Drago’s lead. 

Since I’m such a helpful guy (and also because I have too much time on my hands), I’ll go one step further and cast NHL personalities as Rocky IV characters. Heck, I’ll even do an American and Canadian version. Thank me later.

Check out the cast after the jump


ovechkintaunt.jpgDrago – Ovechkin: Gigantic, physically intimidating Russian who attracts gorgeous blondes. Sometimes hurts opponents with his hard hits; critics think he’s dirty but fans just think he’s doing his job.

Blonde wife/spokesperson – One of Ovechkin’s many Russian beauties: Think of how much easier things would be for Ovechkin if he had someone completing those pesky interviews for him like Drago did.

Apollo Creed: Brian Campbell (USA) or Sergei Gonchar (CAN): Best friend/teammate of hero falls victim to devastating injury (or death). Bonus points if Ovechkin says this about Campbell: “If he breaks his clavicle, he breaks his clavicle.”

Rocky: Sidney Crosby (CAN) or Patrick Kane (USA): The hero must avenge his fallen comrade in a high stakes bout. It would be even better if one of them went through crazy winter tree lugging training and/or managed to grow a robust beard.

Shady Russian manager: Bruce Boudreau: “Drago shouldn’t be penalized for being too strong!”

Robot butler: OK, I’m pretty sure the robot butler was in Rocky “III” but I demand one anyway. You got that? Give me a robot butler or I walk!

Anyway, that’s how I see that imaginary scenario playing out. Is there a better movie comparison than “Rocky IV”? Tell me about it in the comments.

* – The film was a seminal part of my childhood, but I must acknowledge that ESPN’s Bill Simmons is the movie’s most prominent Internet evangelist.

(Hopefully you understand that this is a joke.)

  1. Jonny W - Mar 24, 2010 at 5:59 PM

    This reminds me of the blog post that said Sidney Crosby should become The Rock. I wholeheartedly agree with that post and this one!

  2. RoadWarrior - Mar 25, 2010 at 7:17 AM

    Gonchar is Russian, so you’d need to find another Apollo Creed if you want an American for the part…

  3. LeopardSeal - Mar 25, 2010 at 8:16 AM

    When the Caps are down, Verizon Center sometimes plays a Rocky IV clip. The crowd loves the irony, especially when the opponent is the Flyers.

  4. Boboite - Mar 25, 2010 at 8:17 AM

    Ah yes, you have to love the stupidity of the intertubes, any moron can publish a blog.

  5. Carter - Mar 25, 2010 at 10:09 AM

    By the time Rock 4 rolled around Rocky had lost his virginity…

  6. Andrew - Mar 25, 2010 at 10:52 AM

    I’d say Ovechkin isn’t really a straight up villain, but more of an anti-hero…a vigilante like Batman. Crosby clearly couldn’t be the Joker, but he might be a good fit as Catwoman.

  7. FRO - Mar 25, 2010 at 3:00 PM

    First I’d like to say I know this post is a joke, but this is one of the stupidest jokes I have seen. First truely beleive what you wrote:
    “Now, there’s no reason to believe Ovechkin (or any Caps player) is guilty of foul play. Let me say that again: I am not accusing anyone of using steroids. That’s actually not what I’m interested in discussing.”
    Then why even go there? The only reason to go there is the paint the picture of Ovi getting injected like Drago. Why even make that innuendo? This blog post could have easily been made without mentioning whole steroids thing at all couldn’t it?
    And as RoadWarrior pointed out Gonchar is Russian, way to flash a depth of hockey knowledge with that one.
    By the way aspire to be as good a writer as Bill Simmons one day but you have a LOOOONG way to go before you even come close.
    And I thought the stuff Florio posts on PFT was bad…

  8. JBlaze - Mar 25, 2010 at 5:36 PM

    This is beyond retarded

  9. James O'Brien - Mar 25, 2010 at 6:21 PM

    For the record, I am aware that Sergei Gonchar is Russian. He’s be Apollo Creed because he was an injured teammate of Crosby (Rocky), not because of his national origin. Why we’re even discussing such facts for a post that is clearly a joke is beside the point.

  10. gill bates - Mar 25, 2010 at 9:30 PM

    Andrew is my new hero.

  11. FRO - Mar 26, 2010 at 7:02 AM

    “When I heard about the Washington Capitals’ most recent headaches revolving around steroid investigations at the team’s training facility, I didn’t immediately assume that some of their players were up to no good. Instead, I couldn’t help but whimsically compare Alex Ovechkin to Dolph Lundgren’s Ivan Drago from “Rocky IV.”* This was the first image that popped into my head.”
    So you didn’t assume that some of their players were up to no good, but the first image that popped into your head was to imagine Ovechkin sitting in that metal chair in Rocky IV instead of Drago getting shot up with steroids? Really?
    You could have made the whole Ovechkin as Drago joke without even going there couldn’t you?

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